We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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