I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
