My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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