i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
