These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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