My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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