Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
