The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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