Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
