Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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