Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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