Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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