the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
