While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you inspire me to be a worse person
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
