Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
