So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
