After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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