I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
