I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
