Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
