The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
