Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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