So drunk its hurt
dude i'm inner monologue high
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
