I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Everything about him screamed your future.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
