I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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