mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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