Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
another moral hangover. fuck.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
