apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
