I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
