the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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