Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
