so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He did a backflip because drugs
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