You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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