fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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