I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
