I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
