Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
