To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
barbara walters just said penis...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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