I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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