When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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