Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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