Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
