im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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