you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
