I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
