he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
