woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I have post one night stand depression
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
