I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
