He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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