i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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