its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
she told me i tasted like america
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
