Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
