Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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